confessions

Pete and I have talked about having a baby. Of course, since we've been married almost two years and we're both in our 30's. It's the natural time to have a child, and if we want one we can't wait too long.

I just have never been one of those people who longed to have children or dreamed about what I would do with my own kids. I am more the kind of person who is happy with less responsibility and noise rather than more. I have trouble properly taking care of myself, and while I love taking care of my husband (he takes care of me too), it's about as much work as I want to handle right now.

I don't think everyone that is married should assume that they need to have kids. I don't know if I deserve to have kids, or if I will be a caring enough mother to them or provide adequate protection to them from this crazy messed up world. And I get frazzled really easily these days, mainly because I'm stressed by my implacable thankless job. But I do not handle stress well.

I don't want to yell at my kids or retreat into a room while they destroy the rest of the house simply because I can't take it. I don't want to be snappy, pouty, and barely just coping. I feel like I'm all of those things these days just from having a job, which is way easier than being a mom.

I want to be wise, composed, happy and balanced. I want to have time for my family and friends and time to get my work done and just relax and be happy. I want to cook healthy food, and pursue a few hobbies as well, like vegetable gardening and painting. I want to have time to get stuff done so I don't wake up in the middle of the night and toss for two hours because my head is spinning with stuff that needs to get done. From what I've heard from my mommy friends, that is not really an option.

As our second anniversary is getting closer, I am thinking about having kids. I expected that there would be this dawning readiness and desire to have kids that would mean it was the right time. But my desire for kids has not changed. It scares me that there are so many reasons not to have kids.

I know I want kids, and I think it would be cool to have one that looks kind of like me and a little like Pete all at the same time. Or to adopt a child that looks nothing like either one of us. That is my little rant. Can you tell I'm exhausted and fed up with my job? And scared as ever about the future. I know, I know...