Pete and I have talked about having a baby. Of course, since we've been married almost two years and we're both in our 30's. It's the natural time to have a child, and if we want one we can't wait too long.
I just have never been one of those people who longed to have children or dreamed about what I would do with my own kids. I am more the kind of person who is happy with less responsibility and noise rather than more. I have trouble properly taking care of myself, and while I love taking care of my husband (he takes care of me too), it's about as much work as I want to handle right now.
I don't think everyone that is married should assume that they need to have kids. I don't know if I deserve to have kids, or if I will be a caring enough mother to them or provide adequate protection to them from this crazy messed up world. And I get frazzled really easily these days, mainly because I'm stressed by my implacable thankless job. But I do not handle stress well.
I don't want to yell at my kids or retreat into a room while they destroy the rest of the house simply because I can't take it. I don't want to be snappy, pouty, and barely just coping. I feel like I'm all of those things these days just from having a job, which is way easier than being a mom.
I want to be wise, composed, happy and balanced. I want to have time for my family and friends and time to get my work done and just relax and be happy. I want to cook healthy food, and pursue a few hobbies as well, like vegetable gardening and painting. I want to have time to get stuff done so I don't wake up in the middle of the night and toss for two hours because my head is spinning with stuff that needs to get done. From what I've heard from my mommy friends, that is not really an option.
As our second anniversary is getting closer, I am thinking about having kids. I expected that there would be this dawning readiness and desire to have kids that would mean it was the right time. But my desire for kids has not changed. It scares me that there are so many reasons not to have kids.
I know I want kids, and I think it would be cool to have one that looks kind of like me and a little like Pete all at the same time. Or to adopt a child that looks nothing like either one of us. That is my little rant. Can you tell I'm exhausted and fed up with my job? And scared as ever about the future. I know, I know...
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3 comments:
I think Friday may have had something to do with this rant. I was that tired, pouty, short tempered, complaining, head-spinning mother who I never wanted or thought I would be. There is nothing like the overwhelming feeling of piles of laundry, dirty dishes, more food to cook, tantruming kid hanging off your leg, groceries to purchase, vaccuming and dirty toilets... all to fit into 3 hours in the morning before naptime, all the while feeling guilty that you're not just playing with them. But there is also nothing like the feeling of a little hand patting you on the back in the morning, grinning at you from the tub, and gardening with a 2 year old who plants dandilions and picks your tulips.
I would be happy to help you wade thru the paperwork of adoption. I like to consider myself something of an expert at it these days.
so very very understandable. i was there ... just didn't make it 2 years. if i'd thought too much about it, or waited, i probably still wouldn't have kids. happy-in-hindsight accident, my first born. doesn't mean it's the same for you, but i never ever imagined having kids, past the point of looking at my husband and thinking he'd be a great dad. i am one of those frazzled moms, and long for peace and quiet a lot of the time. but being in the thick of it i wouldn't trade it for anything. and i wouldn't dream of assuming someone should have kids either, it's a hard choice! wave when you come by ny this coming weekend, yes? enjoy!!
Carol, no it wasn't you! I could tell that your love for your daughter outweighed any frustration of dealing with her fussiness. Hahaha! I laughed when I read that she plants dandelions and picks tulips.
Herm I'm glad you wouldn't change a thing. And I echo your sentiment that having a wonderful husband makes you happier to have a child.
Thanks for the comments!
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